A Question of Class

I came across this article by Keith Boykin. His views and thoughts are eloquently expressed. Tell me what you think about this situation.

Why Most Black Americans Are Unmarried

Someone posed two questions to me: Why are there so many thirty-something African Americans who are still unmarried and why do most African American women pretend to be so independent and act as if they do not want a man to take care of them?

Well, I know that I can only speak for myself as a black, single woman in her 30's. On a personal note, I just have not met a man who wants to settle down, get married and have children. Again, I stress that's my reason for not being married. I will admit, as of late I have not been getting out as often as I should because it's pretty hard to meet someone sitting on my living room sofa. So, I guess my advice for all the single, 30-something black women is to get off your sofa and make yourselves available to meet new men. I can also say that I've always dreamed of being married to a terrific man who will father my children and even though I'm not married, yet, I still hold on to that dream because I know when the time is right, I'll meet someone I'm compatible with, fall in love and marry.

As for the single, black women who have made the all-too-familiar comment: "I don't need a man," I have to think back to the conversation Dr. Robin Smith had with Tom Joyner on the Tom Joyner Show. Most of you know Dr. Robin from the Oprah Winfrey Show who has been a guest on her show numerous times. In the conversation, Dr. Robin said she's counseled women who believe they don't need a man for various reasons, all of which were quite interesting. She explained that a lot of single women witnessed their mother's abusive relationships and harbor that burden and as a consequence they're afraid of having that same kind of relationship with a man and simply choose to stay single. Another reason she gave is that many women have been mistreated in all their past relationships and are afraid of getting hurt. Again, because of this, they opt to live a single life. Another interesting argument that I can't say I would agree with, but interesting nonetheless, is that some women who grew up as an only child have what's called the "only-child syndrome." Meaning, these women grew up lonely as a child and end up living lonely lives as an adult.

To address why there are so many African American singles past the age of thirty... This morning I watched Meet The Press (I know I should have been at church, but I digress) and Bill Cosby and Dr. Alvin F. Poussaint, noted psychiatrist and tenured professor at Harvard University, were today's guests. Cosby and Poussaint are co-authors of the book titled, Come On People. The book discusses many controversial topics which Cosby and Poussaint addressed on the show.

One of the subjects discussed was the high percentage of African American women who have never been married. The reasons were mind blowing. Both men stated that the reason was the lack of available upstanding black men. Most black men are either incarcerated or dead. In a recent census of the U.S. jail systems, there are 2.2 million men jailed or imprisoned. Of those 2.2 million men, 910 thousand of these men are African American!

The men who are not incarcerated are too busy killing each other. I can't recall the exact numbers they gave but it was more than 40 percent of black-on-black crime and Baltimore had the highest percentage of this heinous crime. They also stated that most of these incarcerated black men came from single-parent homes and are high school drop outs. Dr. Poussaint mentioned that years ago most people met their respective spouses in college, however, he said that's nearly impossible these days because black women in college out number black men in college 2 to 1. Cosby stated that most black children (and this is no secret) grow up in one-parent homes, have no father or father figure, have not witnessed a loving relationship between a man and a women because they don't come from a two-parent home and they've never even attended a wedding. All of these points he mentioned are a missing link in the lives of black children.

Besides the reason that most black men are either imprisoned or dead, it's possible that most black women are single because of the available "upstanding" black men who are available, they tend to want to date outside of their race. I see it constantly, black men today would rather date a white, Asian, Hispanic or anyone else who is not a black women. Again, that it is something that I cannot address because I don't know why these men have made a choice to date outside of their race. I can say that it's upsetting because not only do they choose to date outside their race, they disrepsect black women to these women who are not black. I don't know about the other black women out there, but I have never heard a white man disrespect a white woman or call her out of her name in front of me. But, as I stated before, I can only speak for myself. I love black men and I prefer to be with a black man and I would prefer to marry a black man. So for all the black men who happen to read this: please treat us (black women) with a little more respect and try not to trip over us while racing to talk to a woman who just happens to be not black. In fact, next time stop to say hello. We want to talk to you!

What about your friends?

I know, I know, I borrowed the line from TLC, but what about them? Why are friendships so hard, sometimes? For the most part, our friends are the people who are the easiest to be ourselves around. They're the people we can talk to about any and everything. And if they're your best friend, you can usually call them at 3 o'clock in the morning without getting cussed out... usually. What's really special about friends is that they're the people we choose to be a part of our life... an extension of ourselves. Our friends share the same interests, like to do the sames things and usually know what we're thinking without anything being said. We can sit around with our friends to talk and laugh about menial things. Our friends are the ones we call first to share good news, they're the first we call when we're having a hard time or need a shoulder to cry on. And they're definitely the ones we call for a dose of honesty. A real friend always tells you the truth. But sometimes friendships, like romantic relationships, can be strained. Yes, friendships can be hard and require work. And no matter how old the friendship is, there are times when things can get awkward or someone in the relationship starts to annoy you in some way. However, just because trouble can occur in a friendship, it's usually not a reason to dissolve it. Communication is key in ALL relationships, meaning the most trivial things need to be addressed. Though there may be times when a friend or friends can be toxic. If that is the case, then that relationship would need to be evaluated. I, for one, do not believe in having toxic relationships and when I discover a relationship of any kind is toxic, I immediately end it. However, our true friends; our "ace boons," our "road dogs," "our girls" and/or "our boys" are the ones we hold dearest to our hearts. There comes a time when we have to decide just how much we love our friends and overlook their shortcomings, and let's face it, we all have them because none of us are perfect. I guess my point is that real friendships are hard to come by. Sure there are times when people have come into our lives for a season and at some point we never see or hear from those people again. And granted, we all change and grow, but that's expected. Like all living things, we continue to grow. But the connection or "it factor" that caused us to bond with our friends never changes. We have to treasure our friends and never take them for granted. And we must learn to accept them for who they are. And if you've never expressed to your friends how much they mean to you or how much you love them, do so today because tomorrow is not promised. Friendships are going to encounter hardships, but a true friendship is worth working on and saving.

Overdose of Love Making

OK, I'm a little late, but I've been so busy and so tired. It's no secret 41-year-old Halle Berry is pregnant with her first child, but it wasn't easy for the the Oscar-winning actress. Yesterday she told Oprah that she and her new beau, Gabriel Aubry, of two years had been trying... a lot! She said finally after about 35 pregnancy tests, all of which turned up negative, she FINALLY got a positive. Berry is 3-months pregnant but she will not find out the sex of her baby until her delivery day. "There's so few genuine surprises in life anymore that, why not have a huge surprise?" she told Oprah. "And I like fantasizing one day it's a girl, one day it's a boy." I totally agree. Berry also told Oprah that she and Aubry do not plan to marry but she "feels more married in a way" than she ever had in her two previous marriages. She also said that their "spiritual connection is much more important than the pomp and circumstance and the ceremony." Well, I can't really say that I totally agree with her there, but hey, to each his own. Still, I'm extremely happy for Miss Berry and I hope she and Aubry have a beautiful and healthy baby. But how could they not... she and her boyfriend are gorgeous!

(Photo Courtesy of the AP press)

Bruised But Not Broken

This could possibly be the break-up song of the year. I'm not sure what kind of trying relationships Joss Stone has had over the years, but her words are truly speaking to me! If, by chance, you happen to be going through a break up or you're having a hard time getting over your last love, check out her new single. The words speak volumes:

And I'll be all right, and I'll love again,

And the wounds will mend.

I'm bruised but not broken.

And the pain will fade, I'll get back on my feet.

It's not the end of me.

My heart is still open,

Bruised but not broken.

So powerful! Not to mention damned good advice... don't let a broken heart stump you. Sure you can have a brief pity party, take everything he/she ever got for you and set a match to it, rip up all the pictures of your ex and indulge in a pint of Haagen-Dazs (my favorite is Blue Bell, but that's just me). Then, my dears, pick yourself up and start to live again. Truth be told, he/she just wasn't the one for you and there is always someone much better out there!