Someone posed two questions to me: Why are there so many thirty-something African Americans who are still unmarried and why do most African American women pretend to be so independent and act as if they do not want a man to take care of them?
Well, I know that I can only speak for myself as a black, single woman in her 30's. On a personal note, I just have not met a man who wants to settle down, get married and have children. Again, I stress that's my reason for not being married. I will admit, as of late I have not been getting out as often as I should because it's pretty hard to meet someone sitting on my living room sofa. So, I guess my advice for all the single, 30-something black women is to get off your sofa and make yourselves available to meet new men. I can also say that I've always dreamed of being married to a terrific man who will father my children and even though I'm not married, yet, I still hold on to that dream because I know when the time is right, I'll meet someone I'm compatible with, fall in love and marry.
As for the single, black women who have made the all-too-familiar comment: "I don't need a man," I have to think back to the conversation Dr. Robin Smith had with Tom Joyner on the Tom Joyner Show. Most of you know Dr. Robin from the Oprah Winfrey Show who has been a guest on her show numerous times. In the conversation, Dr. Robin said she's counseled women who believe they don't need a man for various reasons, all of which were quite interesting. She explained that a lot of single women witnessed their mother's abusive relationships and harbor that burden and as a consequence they're afraid of having that same kind of relationship with a man and simply choose to stay single. Another reason she gave is that many women have been mistreated in all their past relationships and are afraid of getting hurt. Again, because of this, they opt to live a single life. Another interesting argument that I can't say I would agree with, but interesting nonetheless, is that some women who grew up as an only child have what's called the "only-child syndrome." Meaning, these women grew up lonely as a child and end up living lonely lives as an adult.
To address why there are so many African American singles past the age of thirty... This morning I watched Meet The Press (I know I should have been at church, but I digress) and Bill Cosby and Dr. Alvin F. Poussaint, noted psychiatrist and tenured professor at Harvard University, were today's guests. Cosby and Poussaint are co-authors of the book titled, Come On People. The book discusses many controversial topics which Cosby and Poussaint addressed on the show.
One of the subjects discussed was the high percentage of African American women who have never been married. The reasons were mind blowing. Both men stated that the reason was the lack of available upstanding black men. Most black men are either incarcerated or dead. In a recent census of the U.S. jail systems, there are 2.2 million men jailed or imprisoned. Of those 2.2 million men, 910 thousand of these men are African American!
The men who are not incarcerated are too busy killing each other. I can't recall the exact numbers they gave but it was more than 40 percent of black-on-black crime and Baltimore had the highest percentage of this heinous crime. They also stated that most of these incarcerated black men came from single-parent homes and are high school drop outs. Dr. Poussaint mentioned that years ago most people met their respective spouses in college, however, he said that's nearly impossible these days because black women in college out number black men in college 2 to 1. Cosby stated that most black children (and this is no secret) grow up in one-parent homes, have no father or father figure, have not witnessed a loving relationship between a man and a women because they don't come from a two-parent home and they've never even attended a wedding. All of these points he mentioned are a missing link in the lives of black children.
Besides the reason that most black men are either imprisoned or dead, it's possible that most black women are single because of the available "upstanding" black men who are available, they tend to want to date outside of their race. I see it constantly, black men today would rather date a white, Asian, Hispanic or anyone else who is not a black women. Again, that it is something that I cannot address because I don't know why these men have made a choice to date outside of their race. I can say that it's upsetting because not only do they choose to date outside their race, they disrepsect black women to these women who are not black. I don't know about the other black women out there, but I have never heard a white man disrespect a white woman or call her out of her name in front of me. But, as I stated before, I can only speak for myself. I love black men and I prefer to be with a black man and I would prefer to marry a black man. So for all the black men who happen to read this: please treat us (black women) with a little more respect and try not to trip over us while racing to talk to a woman who just happens to be not black. In fact, next time stop to say hello. We want to talk to you!
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